He was my very first Valentine’s Day gift from my hubby (well back then, boyfriend). I slept all cuddled up with Spike whenever I was not with Dennis. He used to have little white boxer shorts with red peppers on them and they said ‘red hot lover’ all over them … they always used to come off him when I was sleeping …

Sometime or other, after Sammie came along, she got ahold of Spike and claimed him as her own … I admit, I was a bit, er, miffed about it. But being a mom means sacrificing, so Spike went to live in Sammie’s land of all things stuffed. At some point Alex stole Spike away from Sammie and was known to have a cuddle with him now and then. He then lived in Alex’s stuffie bucket.

Until tonight.

I reclaimed Spike, had an impromptu photo shoot with him, and he will rightfully be my cuddle buddy from here on out Well, until Dennis comes home.

Of course a big part of this blog is my weight loss efforts and recently I discovered that what I eat can be directly related to how I feel emotionally … of course I pretty much already knew that, but it came out full force this weekend. I have been unsuccessfully looking for a teaching job and I had a prospect last week… unfortunately I did not get the position and it just sent me into a downward spiral. It really made me realize how much I want to be in the classroom again! I miss it! I am grateful for my years as a stay at home mom, but now that my kids are older I am ready to be back in the education field and using all the knowledge I acquired in my studies.

Anyway, not getting the job (which was actually a position I was REALLY excited about) set me off on what would very well be called a ‘binge’. I knew what I was doing but I just could not stop. It made me feel horrible both physically and mentally but it took me two days to get out of the funk. I climbed out and really gave a lot of thought to what happened. I realized that I needed to give myself permission to mourn a bit, after all it is something I was really looking forward to. I am trying to really delve into how I feel when something like that happens so that the next time I get a job prospect and if/when it falls through, I can handle it in a better way. The real test will be the next time it happens … I will definitely update. For now, I am fully back on plan and feeling MUCH better!

So the other rambling thoughts have to do with a topic that has always been a struggle for me. Religion, faith and spirituality … I was not raised going to church… my grandmother did take us to church on occasion when we were little (Catholic church). I enjoyed the time with my grandma but as I grew older, I knew Catholicism was not for me. I have gone to different churches on and off throughout my life. Went if friends invited me usually … I know many of the main bible stories. I have read bits and pieces of the bible. But I have never really felt like anything clicked. I never have had that sense of faith or spiritualism. I have wanted to … I have tried to. But it always has felt fake to me. Praying has felt fake. I do enjoy talking about religion with other people, but I am a ‘show me’ kind of girl and well, that just does not work in religion. It’s just something you have to believe. That is very difficult for me.

Well anyway, the whole reason that these things have come to the surface again have to do with my beautiful, VERY smart little girl… see, she spent ages 3-5 going to a British School. If you are not aware, British schools do not practice separation of church and state, so Sammie learned all about God and Jesus and such while in the British Schools. This in no way bothers me, in fact I am glad that she had that experience! She actually still talks about going to the village church for school events, and talks about God and Jesus when we pass by churches (which let’s face it, is a lot in the south/bible belt!)

So this is where my rambling thoughts led me … Sammie has expressed an interest in going to church. The problem is that I usually feel very fake when I go to church. Since I do not really believe in it all, I feel like a fraud. I am certainly not an atheist… I am not completely closed to believing in something. I just cannot quite get there.

So we did actually go to a church on this past Sunday. I met a couple of women at the gym of all places and they told me about their church. I asked Sammie and she said she very much wanted to go. So we went. The service was nice. The message was good. Sammie LOVED it! But I can not shake this nagging feeling that I am being a fake. Is it ok to go to church each week if I do not truly believe in it all? To be completely honest, my main reason for going is for Sammie and to embrace her apparent enjoyment she gets from church. I really think she is on the path to finding faith and that really warms my heart. Will she stick with Christianity? I don’t know, nor do I really care. I just really like the idea that my kids will have faith in their lives if they choose to. And I will do everything I can to help them decide.

That is huge for me since I have been biting my nails since, well, as long as I can remember. It all started when I promised Sammie that I would take her for her first manicure before Christmas… well I could not very well get myself a manicure with bit up nails! So I just stopped … cold turkey.

It was hard! I had a few moments where my fingers ended up in/near my mouth, but I did not bite. It was hard to get used to having nails, too. I now trim them pretty short but I think for my big milestones of weight loss (25, 50, 75, 100 pounds) I will go and get myself a real manicure! I am doing my own now, which is quite humorous, but gets the job done. I just keep clear polish on them and they look decent! It has now been about 2 months since I last bit, so I feel pretty confident in it sticking!

So obviously if you have been to my blog before, you can see I made some drastic changes to it today … went with a different theme of all black … I redesigned my header… I updated my About ME page … and I also created a new page all about my weight loss … yep I went there and all out listed my weights … I mean, it is not like people do not realize that I am obese, you know? And I have COMPLETE confidence in myself this year! After all, it is my YEAR OF CHANGE, right?! I’m in a good place in my life … I am making good choices … I am motivated … I have good support both near and far … it is my time to do it!

So it started with stopping the biting of my nails, then of course my journey to a healthy lifestyle is ongoing … but I also want to be more organized this year, starting with clearing out the clutter! Old toys? Bu Bye! Too small clothes for the kids? See ya later! As I outgrow my clothes, they will be hitting the road too … things have traveled around with us for 12 years and never been used or organized … I want to scan in all my old photos and organize them … I want to catch up on my digi scrapping… and onward … baby steps, just like with any big change …

No photos for today … it is such a dreary day I have not snapped a thing!

This has been a BEAUTIFUL weekend! The kids and I enjoyed yesterday… first we hit the gym up where I took a ZUMBA class (FUN PARTY WOOHOO!!)… then we went shopping at the commissary. We relaxed at home for a bit and then played outside for a while. Alex decided he wanted a scooter like his big sister so we took an impromptu trip to Wal Mart and Alex is now the proud owner of …

Sammie made the comment “Geesh mom, he just asked for it and you are going to get it for him. Hmppph.” Or something to that effect… It was funny. She then asked me for a new computer. Uhm, no.

We played outside for a while, had some friends stop by with their cutie pie doggies, jumped on the trampoline, played glitter Barbie and just had a fun day. Kids had a special treat of a personal pan pizza for dinner (I had Subway). Bath time and then bed! One more day down

Thought I would share a photo I snapped with my iPod Touch … I don’t take many photos of me, but I probably should so the kids have some of me…

Let’s see, what else? I started the Team Lean competition again through The Family YMCA. So far so good and I am down 5.7 pounds since January 14th! Overall from when I started last year I am down 20.8 pounds. My first goal is to get back to the lowest I was back in June 2010, before I just gave up. (That is 43.4 pounds). Then 50 pounds will be my next goal. I am following Weight Watchers new plan (LOOOOOVE it!) and hitting the gym up four times a week. I do spin on Monday, spin/flex on Wednesday and Zumba on Thursday and Saturday. I will probably add in one day of weights on Monday or Saturday and perhaps try a new class here or there. I also plan to swim with my kiddos 1-2 times a week. I love Zumba and am so so so glad I tried it! It is hard but so much fun and I sweat like a pig, not to mention I feel it in muscles I have not felt in a long time!! It definitely IS a party though!!!

The kiddos are doing great. Sammie is halfway through 1st grade and loving it. She was taking swim lessons for the last 5 months and we are taking a break right now. Hopefully she will be starting soccer this spring. She still loves to read, dance and watch Spongebob.

Alex still stays home with me and we try to go to the library weekly. Plus he has playtime at the gym. He likes playing play dough, cars, horsie, kitchen and loves to watch Spongebob. He also goes to speech therapy twice a week still and is really making tons of progress!

Not much else going on … just going day to day and trying to live and enjoy life, laugh and love as much as possible and get through to the next minute/day/month!!!

Now for some photos …

Week 1: My hubby playing Words with Friends with me …

Week 2: The lovely snow/ice storm we had January 11th made for some beautiful shots!

Week 3: We had a BEAUTIFUL full moon this week!

Week 4: The kiddos and daddy with their new Build-a-Bear’s before bed.

And a couple other random photos of the kiddos…

We celebrated with my inlaws for our third Christmas and then also went to my Aunt and Uncle’s house to see them and my dad. The kids were spoiled rotten and had tons of fun with their cousin. Dennis and I got a pizza date since we had babysitters Sammie was able to stay up for her first New Year’s Eve and she thought that was pretty fun! Alex was not quite able to make it …. we played lots of Spades, ate lots of food and just had a really nice time. But I am glad to be home and to begin getting into our routine. Of course that will change in a few weeks when Dennis leaves but we will then get into our deployment routine and hope it goes by quickly.

I am not making any real resolutions this year. I just want to keep bettering myself in all ways possible and live, laugh and love as much as I can!

Photos will be coming … I have not had a chance to even download my cards yet. I also plan to start the 52 week pick me up challenge again … one photo a week for the whole year.